


All of Them

by Trixie_Baggins



Series: All of Them, Part of Me [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, captain america: civil war - Fandom
Genre: Gen, M/M, Other, Suicidal!Bucky, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-08 23:39:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6880186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trixie_Baggins/pseuds/Trixie_Baggins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"You killed my mom.  Do you even remember her?"</i>
  <br/>
  <i>"I remember all of them"</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	All of Them

**Author's Note:**

> Post Civil War era. CW spoilers.

“And in other news, after a hearing, the UN exonerated the still missing Captain Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America and Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, AKA the Winter Soldier. The UN released archived Hydra footage determining that any and all actions taken by Sergeant Barnes was due to no fault of his own, and that Captain Rogers acted in the interest of protecting an unguilty party.”

 

_“You killed my mom. Do you even remember her?”_  
_“I remember all of them.”_

“Turn that trash off.”

“It's the news, Tony. Aren't you even the least bit curious?”

“He killed my mom. No matter what any UN counsel determines, he is guilty.”

“Tony, I think I know a little bit about mind control, and what it does to people.”

“I think you've overstayed your welcome, Barton. Isn't your family expecting you?”

“Tasha's at a briefing and I was waiting to tell her goodbye before I left.”

 

* * *

 

 

  
“And you're really sure this could work?” Steve's heart was heavy with hope. The hope crushed more than the hopelessness. When there wasn't hope, he was on the ground floor, but hope was like an elevator to the penthouse, right before an earthquake.

“As with anything, Captain Rogers, there is of course the chance that it doesn't work, or that it does backfire, but this does have a high chance of success.”

“Then let's do it.”

“Doctor?”

“Initiating waking sequence, Your Highness.”

“What-where am I?”

“Bucky, it's me, Steve. Do you remember anything?”

_"I remember all of them"_

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
The apartment Steve and Bucky would be living indefinitely was decorated much like their apartment in Brooklyn. There was a nostalgia hanging around the room that awoke something in Bucky. It was a familiar desire to be noticed. A longing to be loved.

The emotion was strange and yet all to familiar to him so he pushed it down and tried to forget about it. He examined the apartment, and bits and pieces of his memory came back. Out the window, there was even the same rusted fire escape. Of course instead of leading to a New York City alley, it led to a mountain and waterfall.

There was a memory from when he was seventeen, sneaking up the fire escape way past curfew. The two had met up with some of Bucky's army friends and raised all sorts of trouble. Bucky's black eye and Steve's split lip could be hid in the dark of the apartment, but when daybreak came, Steve's mother was going to let them both have it. She was extremely protective of Steve, and loved Bucky almost like her own son. That was a weird feeling, love. He thought he remember something about that.

 

* * *

 

 

 _“You killed my mom. Do you even remember her?”_  
_“I remember all of them.”_

Bucky woke up from a bad dream, and what he had thought was the rumble of a motorcycle's engine had just turned out to be Steve playing with the furnace in the corner. He couldn't even recall falling asleep, but he supposed he must have. He never remembered when he fell asleep, anymore, only when he woke up.

“What did I do?”

“Oh, Bucky. I didn't see you there. I hope I didn't wake you up.”

“What did I do?”

“What do you mean?”

“I haven't slept in so long. Whenever I wake up, it's not from sleep. It's from him. What did he do?”

“Nothing, Buck. You've been sleeping on the couch for the past few hours."

That was a relief. For once, he woke up without blood on his hands. For once, he had just curled up into a benign sleep and not hurt anyone. It had been so long since he remembered that.

Bucky glanced at the clock.  It was almost nine.

 

* * *

 

 

 _“You killed my mom. Do you even remember her?”_  
_“I remember all of them.”_

  
“What do you remember about America, Buck?”

“Not a lot. I mean there was the bits and pieces form when I was,” he stopped, insure if he should say his name. “...when I was him.”

Steve watched Bucky closely. He wasn't going to lose him. No matter what. Even when he had nothing, he had had Bucky, and no one, not even Hydra was going to take that away from him.

“You know we got exonerated, right?”

Ah, of course. Steve missed his American friends. His Avengers. There was the arrow one, the giant, but also tiny one, the flying one, and the witch. Knowing them, they were already planning Steve's homecoming. Of course, there would be no room for someone like him. He would be locked up as soon as he set foot on American soil. Or worse, Steve would leave him here.

“We can go home, if you want.”

We. We? We.

_“I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal.”_

 

* * *

 

 

 _“You killed my mom. Do you even remember her?”_  
_“I remember all of them.”_

Bucky had daily meetings with an on-staff trained therapist. She seemed to think he had underlying problems, other than what Hydra had done to him. She prescribed medication after medication, but none of hem seemed to be helping, so they were just collecting dust in Steve and Bucky's medicine cabinet.

_I remember._

_I remember her._

_I remember all of them._

 

Bucky had killed a lot of people both as a soldier and as the Winter Soldier, but he remembered all of them. He remembered the one face that all of them bore. The same scared face, pleading with him to save them, to spare their child/husband/mother/father/wife. And he remembers the silence after he implemented one of the many lethal means he possessed.

It was his fault. It was all of his fault. Steve may have forgiven him, but Steve hadn't lost anyone to Bucky. He knew that the day was coming when Steve would want to be part of society again, and if Bucky was still around it wasn't going to work.

 

* * *

 

 

 _“You killed my mom. Do you even remember her?”_  
_“I remember all of them.”_

The pills were neatly lined up in the medicine cabinet, as if they had been waiting for this day.

_“I remember all of them.”_

He had a glass of water in one hand, a bottle of pills in the other.

_“You killed my mom.”_

He counted down in his head. Three.... “ _You killed my mom.”_ Two...... _“Do you even remember her?”_ One..... _“I remember all of them.”_

 

 

As Bucky downed the pills

 

…...as his heart beat slower

 

…....as he closed his eyes for the final time

 

…......as he ended his life after ending the lives of so many people

 

 

 

 

  
…....a train, with its full freight cars echoed down the mountain.

**Author's Note:**

> ...
> 
> ...
> 
> ...
> 
> ...
> 
> Longing.
> 
> Rusted.
> 
> Furnace.
> 
> Daybreak.
> 
> Seventeen.
> 
> Benign.
> 
> Nine.
> 
> Homecoming.
> 
> One.
> 
> Freight car.


End file.
